i remember the stories!

so i was sitting here at work, procrastinating, and googling twitter to find out what it was when i suddenly remembered the two stories Misty wanted me to blog about...

(if you're easily grossed out you might skip this entry)

1) peeing my pants. sort of. so i'd been cautioned "do your kegals, do your kegals" while i was prego and of course i (sort of) tried (like about as hard as i try to keep up this blog) to do them and wasn't very successful. well, if you're expecting i have some wisdom: "do your kegals, do your kegals". while in seattle recently for a conference i skipped out on a boring lecture and went across the street to pacific place (basically equivalent of pioneer place to portlanders) to buy another nursing bra (sidenote, another piece of wisdom if you're expecting, pea in the pod sells a fantastically accessibly nursing bra that you can't get at mimi or motherhood, ask me if you're interested). well while i was perusing club monaco, checking out an outrageously overpriced electric blue faux crocodile coin purse i suddenly realized that i needed to go potty. i headed over to pea in the pod because i knew all maternity stores worth their salt have a restroom that is typically cleaner than the public restroom (exception: Motherhood Maternity at Lloyd Center... but what can you expect, it is LLOYD CENTER after all). now before i continue, i have to tell you that prior to pregnancy i had an EXTREMELY elastic bladder. micah will say otherwise (he's famous for saying "sorry we're late, we had to stop, bobbi's thimble was full.") but i can brag about going all day at work without using the ladies, when i get busy i just forget to go. i didn't realize that had changed until that fateful day at the mall. when i reached the loo and the INSTANT i laid eyes on the throne my bladder cut loose and, i'm ashamed to admit this, but... i dribbled down my leg! disgusting i know! imagine how i felt in my favorite houndstooth wool pants! thankfully they were lined so it didn't show but unfortunately that meant the lining stuck to my leg and when the pee cooled... yeah. ick. so i had to clean up as best i could in the restroom, purchase the nursing bra, cut the mall trip short, and race back to my hotel room to shower, change, and come up with some convincing reason to explain the wardrobe change to my boss. punishment for playing hooky, should've practiced hooky more while i was in high school, maybe i would have been prepared for such a situation. anyway, this peeing down my leg incident almost happened a second time, again, the minute i saw the toilet. now that is a conditioned response! anyway, i'm kegaling as i write this and you should be too.

2) pooping my pants. now if you've just read number one above at this point you're probably reconsidering whether or not you still want to be friends with me. let me clarify. i didn't poop my pants, jonas did. here's the story... on fridays i typically come in to the office to work on my dissertation. micah stays home with jonas and brings him in in the afternoon so i can feed him. micah usually leaves him here with me while he goes to the gym. jonas hangs out in my office and edits my manuscript (okay maybe not but when i read it to him it does put him to sleep so i can continue working). one friday micah arrives, drops off jonas and goes to work out. jonas is already asleep in his carseat so i continue working. when he eventually wakes up he's pleasant for a few minutes before he begins to complain. i look in the carseat and realize "oops, daddy forgot your paci". no big deal, i keep a spare in my car and i can go get it if need be. then i realize, "duh. he needs to eat." i have a 1pm meeting scheduled so i quickly lock the door to my office and partially disrobe so i can feed jones. at about a quarter to one my colleague knocks on the door to remind me of our meeting. i tell him i'm busy and he says he'll come back at 1. i finish feeding jonas and reassemble myself when there is a second knock on the door. it's 1pm so i stand up to open the door and suddenly feel a coolness in my lap. mind you i knew jones had pooped, as is custom when he's eating (seriously hoping he'll grow out of that one), and i had planned to change him before heading to the meeting but what i didn't know was that his poop soup had run up his back, out of the diaper and onto my lap. so when i opened the door to my co-worker (who incidentally is highly germaphobic) and realized the situation i said "sorry, i can't meet with you." naturally, he asked why and I showed him my lap. i can only describe the look on his face as the most horrified face i've ever seen on another human being. he fled. our secretary offered to help me and when i reached for the diaper bag... yeah, you guessed it.... daddy not only forgot the paci but the entire diaper bag and daddy was pushing weights at the gym and unavailable for mommy's rant. so... i lined the carseat with about an inch thick of paper towels, strapped the stinky lad in, toweled myself off and headed home for... another shower and wardrobe change. i love mommyhood!